(To be deleted when I wake)
So… Some things about me -
One, when I’m stressed out, I draw vent sketches of myself. Further, these sketches almost always depict me as some sort of monster. I don’t know why…. I just, relate to it and feel better. It makes sense. I’m always deprived of one or more often most) of my senses, as well. x_x I’m sure that says something about me?
They also always suck and are really quick. D; So I’ll delete this after.
(To be deleted when I wake)
O-oh h-hey therrrre, Tumblrrr… baby, sweetie, angel.
It’s not that I didn’t think of you, honest. I just, had a lot on my plate. You know how it gets. Hah haha… hah… hah… ha.
Seriously though, I haven’t updated in a month+, oops. Honestly, life has just had me really down and out. And I’ve spent the better part of the last two hours struggling not to puke my brains out. Augh.
Actually, this post here simultaneously celebrates my 100th post, and my 20th follower. These are pretty much nothing to most of you, but that’s a really big deal to me, so, really, thank you. I mean it. I sincerely hope you all stay with me. <3
I’d held off so long because I kept, I don’t know. I kept wanting to post something special. Some amazing, thought provoking piece that said, ‘I’m here, I’m an artist!’, and when my birthday rolled past a few weeks ago (turned 24 on Feb 28th) and that magical art piece hadn’t happened, it created a really dark funk inside me.
My home life’s been really rough and my health not much better and it’s harder to motivate to do much of anything when you feel really low and deep, down, down in the dirt.
It isn’t much, but I thought I could breathe life into myself again with some art venting. These are the first images I’ve had to flow to me in the longest while where I wasn’t agonized, caught up in, ‘is this gallery/tumblr worthy? Is it honestly any good? Am I wasting my time? Oh, it’s probably not very good. Ugh, that anatomy is all wrong. Why didn’t I reference better? Agh, this isn’t how it looks in the reference. Why can’t I ever draw creatively and straight from my head?’
Silly kitty, you’re allergic to milk. Guess that’s why you’re living dangerously.
Some of my own work because stop reblogging, Crys. That’s why.
Actually like two years-ish old? I don’t know. A christmas or two ago at least. Whenever my mom was big into the Sopranos airing on Bravo. z_z Yep.
This is terrible, actually. But I don’t know. It’s always hit this weird soft spot because it was one of the few times when I painted something that wasn’t an absolute fiasco in every right. I remember being really proud at the vibrancy at the time, and the fact it was traditional. Both incredibly out of my comfort zone.
Too bad the subject matter is still par for the course with my work. So derivative. Blagh.
I actually have so many paintings I AM proud of. Pen work, markers, pencils. They never see the light of day, and most certainly the light of scanner. And they’re much better than this. I don’t know. I’m always so nervous when I practice my traditional works that they just end up feeling too personal. Critique my digital work to hell, please. It’s awful. I’m just afraid I’d be too guarded.
But that’s why this year is dedicated to getting better. Just like every year.
I deactived my various social media accounts a few days ago before I went to bed. I was really emotionally fried, at the time. That point where, I don’t know, every little thing is getting to you and you realize your dependency on communication and connection is really only hindering your self-esteem. The need to feel like someone remembered your birthday or misses you only hurts more than it makes you smile.
But I’ll be back in a few days!
It feels strange, how much it’s helping. I don’t usually let myself be alone with my emotions because I don’t like how they drive me to feel so low. But instead, I’ve been crying less and creating more. My productivity feels through the roof. But I don’t think Matt appreciates my five-in-the-morning emotional outbursts followed by promptly by - I need a sketchbook. HEH. Oh well~.
Edit: Lol, posted it before I got the last paragraph in before. xD
Our home is an absolute emotional nightmare right now, and this is supposed to be my reprieve and outlet until we can afford the move. What am I doing knowingly putting myself through that, right?
Haha…. Uh… Sorry about the nudity lately. I guess.
Funny story, for whatever stupid reason, when I’m depressed, I like to draw people with ridiculous proportions. Usually super long necks and limbs/some sort of dislocation. And often missing one or more of their senses (hence the lack of faces). I don’t know why. I just do. It’s good venting and I usually get some really cool art pieces out of it.
I’m strongly thinking about developing this into a cleaned up image/character in general.
She strikes me as the possible human/former form of my ‘NoFace (temp name)’ OC. (Who I haven’t blogged but you can see an old sketch of - http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v637/ShatterImage/58827_436175067961_502797961_4924733_7600707_n.jpg )
Who is essentially a demon/otherworldly, purple…. Thing. For all intents and purposes she has an extremely wraith-like, but female form. Notably pointed breasts, a curved figure, an extremely long neck with a completely featureless head. She’s also missing one arm, but makes up for it with an extremely long other one that extends to about her knees and has a giant, clawed hand (that could easily crush a head, hahaha). She also has a single wing that serves no purpose (though she occasionally flaps it when disturbed or upset)
I’ve been fiddling around with her world for about two years now. Nothing concrete as of yet. I see her traveling around with an inevitable protagonist, helping out through unconventional means. Mostly I see her unintentionally creeping people the fuck out with her horrible and imposing form despite meaning well. I really want there to be an earnest yet terrifying and mysterious air to her, and a heavy implication that she didn’t always look like she does in the above link.
I think this may be a nice solution. Though I’ve also toyed with making her capable to change her form for limited times, and having the protagonist come across her double life in this form somewhere. Smoking and looking like an imposing, sexual, and malicious she-demon.
At all times she would be mute because that’s how I like ‘em. 8D;;;
Hahaha. /mindless ranting
EDIT: Ahhh. The writing there says ‘thinking seriously about making that a leg. Help!’ hahaha.
This wasn’t supposed to be my first post of 2012.
What are you?
Stop making me draw you.
I don’t like you.
Why do I get stuck with messed up muses?
I don’t know why I keep adding on to this. It’s getting more away from me and should have been left in it’s early vent stages.
I know better.
Blaugh. I just want to create and I’m in a funk.
GO HANDS, GO.
Sometimes I draw stupid things because I don’t know why.
That’s why the anatomy is so non-existent. I’ll fix it eventually. It needs a total overhaul/retooling, but blegh. I just wanted to draw the emotion.
Sorry about the kindanotreally nipple.
This is genuinely the sweetest thing ever, and I cannot begin to express my gratitude right now.
I just. <3.
Also, I guess now I need to stop being lazy and update my tumblr, haha.
a friend of mine was recently hospitalised after an illness and now he and his wife owe $500 in hospital bills. they could really use your help in coming up with the money! both are fantastic artists and are open for commissions, so if you have some spare money lying around please give their…
I should probably use this thing. It’d be nice to have a place to throw up drabbles and doodles without feeling ashamed or spammy.
But I’m not sure I’m ready to have anything as intimate as my pieces, even shitty, five minute commissions exposed.
I always feel like I’m being judged and it’s not good enough.
Also, tumblr is a sparkleblog, what good is coherent thought?
Maybe I could hide away in blogspot. ._. But I won’t.
BLAUGH. I’ll just reblog kittens or some shit.
(Post to be deleted in the morning, this isn’t LJ so idek)